Hello, you may have been reading a lot about how to save your marriage, have you gotten any clue in trying to save your marriage? Why not try to read about how NOT to save your marriage, maybe you’ll get better help who knows.

Here are the top 9 ways how not to save you marriage and watch it fall flat.

9. Do nothing! Don’t worry, the crisis (problem, situation, incident, threat etc.) will pass!

The reality is that it is very unlikely that the reality will simply pass. Let’s be honest, every time this strategy builds up more and more resentment then finally everything falls apart. You will know deep inside you that you’ve ignored things way too long. It is not just one problem that causes problems in the family rather it is an accumulation of problem ignored that that add to other problems ignored which finally creates so much frustrations and the house of course falls. So the first strategy: just do NOTHING.

 8. Refuse to get any outside help. Who needs it? You can do this yourself!

When you’re in the middle of a marriage crisis, there is no time to figure it out. One of my favourite quotes is from Albert Einstein, he says ‘the significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.' In other words, when we only use the thought process system that led us into trouble, we will not find a way out of the problem. We all get stuck in our thought patterns, once we establish them we don’t change much. Think about it, don’t all of your styles of argument basically follow the same pattern? Doesn’t your daily routine pretty much all go the same way? We like sameness and it changes a bit of a thread. The problem is, we find ourselves stuck and without outside help and information nothing will change; even if you want it to.

7. Grab some “free advice” hey, free is good right?

When you are injured you seek out some free advice on that injury but when you need some legal advice do you just get some “free advice”? So why when your most important relationship is on the line, would you just try to use some free advice? Look, we live in a transaction society, we make trades and transactions to get what we don’t have and knowledge is no different. People who give away advice are rarely giving away anything worthwhile.

The whole question is if free is your goal how much do you treasure your relationship? If I told you how to save ten million naira instantly, would you pay me for that advice? Well, that’s a minimum cash value of your failed marriage. Think about the amount you’ll spend for a divorce, and what about a peaceful marriage? What is the worth of that? Really, what prize would you put on that? I ask because I know funny a people who think nothing of grabbing a free pack of cigarette every day, free bottles of wine on the weekend and so on. Then when they go looking for advice to save their marriage, they want to find some free advice. It’s always about value and the value you place on your marriage: “free advice” probably costlier than you’ll ever realise in the long run.

6. Get some good books and leave them on the bookshelf. Maybe your spouse will at least think you are doing something!

Authors don’t like to admit this but statistics shows that about 80% of self-help books bought are never read, imagine that! The answer you’re searching may just be right there. You took the time to get it either because the cover looks nice, somebody recommended it or because you’re desperate. The very bit of information that may save your marriage is stuck at the bottom of the stack never to be read. Sound familiar? If so, time to dust off the information, give it a read, at least give it a chance. You’ve already invested your money in it, why not give it a test drive?

5. Read the information but then don’t do anything! It won’t work in your situation, anyway!

Okay, so you have just seen all that information and even read it but then you took no action. Maybe the information seems impossible, far-fetched, complicated or just dead wrong. Now you do need to use a better judgement, but perhaps it’s worth a trial and if it’s just not good then set it aside. But at least think about giving it a trial. What you’ve been doing has not gotten you the result you want so perhaps you could just try something new. Sometimes new thinking seems fun and unnatural, but it’s really like anything new. Repetition builds skill, what seems awkward begins to feel more natural. Suddenly what seems impossible seems elementary. Again remember Einstein’s quote ‘doing what you’ve done hasn’t got you what you want, what’s the risk of trying something different?’

4. Do everything at once! Hey, if a little is good, a lot is better… right?

Wrong! Many marriages have suffered from neglect far too long until one day someone wakes up and says ‘enough’. You see the person trying to get in the high heel and try to make date nights, meaning conversations, do the house chores, get another job, just about anything to make it work. Instead, pick a couple of things beings consistent with them and try a slow approach not a panic approach. Though growing from zero takes some time but if you try everything at one approach you’ll scare your spouse away.

3. Argue, beg. Plead, and show your emotions. Surely your spouse will see your sincerity to save the marriage!

This is a very common situation; you see we are all master scriptwriters often ready for Hollywood at least in our minds. We assume our spouse will see the wisdom of our logic, emotions, begging and pleading. The problem is, they are working out a different script that they are writing in their minds. If I throw someone a rope and when I grab it and start pulling the reflex is to start to pull back matching power with power. It is no different in talking. The harder I try to convince someone to something counter to what they have said, the reflex of that person is to become even more entrench in the belief that they have. So the arguing, the pleading, the reasoning, has the opposite effect in actually hastening the dissolution of the relationship.

2. Let your spouse know the theory about how this is really about “their issue”. Then they will see how unhealthy they are!

Here is how to turn more gas on the fire, when your spouse says he or she wants to leave, point out how it is (a) their mid-life crisis (b) that they are never satisfied (c) relate about their dysfunctional family (d) some other diagnosis you read about in Dr Phil. You may be dead on. You may know exactly what’s wrong with them. The problem is that you’re not going to be saying it in an objective provider of a diagnosis instead you’ll only be strengthening the sense of frustration that your spouse is feeling. Diagnosis is best done instead of by an impartial outside expert or by one’s own self.

This is the last bad strategy I’m going to name because neediness is never attractive and when someone wants to leave feeling the neediness only throws fuel on the fire. People want to be wanted but not desperately needed. And in the midst of a crisis, the last thing someone wants is to feel manipulated. I’ve seen people trying to kill themselves to prove how much they need the other person, I’ve seen people refuse to pay bills, eat, take care of the kids, take care of the house etc. and in every case the person who wants out says ‘see this what I’ve been saying’, it’s hard to argue with that. Being needy is never attractive and it’s even more so when someone wants nothing more than that not to be needed.

Well, that’s my top 9 list of how not to save a marriage when trying to save a marriage. I can go on with many more of things that I’ve seen. I think I’ve seen almost every part of the mistake made. My hope is not to discourage you but that you at least make the correct move you need to in order to save your marriage. If you’re really interested in to save your marriage, I hope you will not make these mistakes. Let us know how much this post relates to you in the comment box.

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